The Winchester Life

If you are a big Supernatural (the TV show) fan like me, well I hope you understand my comparison here.  If you are not a Supernatural fan, but you have anxiety and depression you will probably still understand a good chunk of this.  If neither and want to understand someone you care about with anxiety and/or depression, feel free to email me at JenniTheJedi@gmail.com or send me a message on my facebook page and I will try to answer your questions as best as I can. ;P Either way, keep smiling!

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First let me give you two perspectives:  You are a barista at a coffee shop and a customer asks you for the favorite cinnamon pastry.  You go over to the pastry case to grab said pastry.  Uh-oh!  You’re all out and no one communicated this, because hey it gets busy.  You now have to tell the customer you are actually out of their choice of sugary goodness.  To an average person, it’s not a big deal.  You go over to the customer and explain you are out of the pastry and offer them something else and move on with your life.  It’s a damn pastry, so what? – To someone who struggles with anxiety and depression it’s a little different.  You’re stomach now hurts, and you are thinking of ways to explain to the customer you are out of the pastry, but you cannot find a way to explain to them without being a barer of bad news.  You feel you are going to ruin their day now, over a pastry.  Your brain and your body freeze.  Your heart being palpitating, you start to hyperventilate and you feel the same as if your mom just middle named you and she is pissed as hell.  Now you cannot stop crying.  Your co-worker has to help you to the employee area to calm down, because you cannot move.  They deal with the customer, and now you feel like an utter failure because you couldn’t do your job…the job you have been doing for four years, and the day before you had no problem dealing with a similar situation.  You know it is not a big deal.  However for some reason your brain is telling you how awful you are, how much a failure you must be…and then it doubles.  Now you have to go back out, and deal with the stares (that you are not even getting) from your coworkers, customers, and well the world, because clearly the world knows.

Anxiety and Depression.  Two demons that are good friends.  They thrive on driving us humans crazy, making us feel crazy, and even appear crazy.  Sometimes they choose certain humans to latch themselves onto and suffocate in their drowning powers.

These demons are not easy to shake.  It’s not like a ghost that you can just tell to go away and leave you alone.  It’s not like your phone you can just turn off.  It’s not like a friend on social media that you can just block and never see their posts again.  It’s a demon, that doesn’t give a shit about what you want, what your friends want; it just wants to try and take over your life and be a constant annoyance.  It wants to make you feel alone, helpless, lost, confused, obsessive, blindly moving through the darkness, barely existing.  They make you feel so heavy, some days you just don’t even want to leave the comfort of your bed; for the fear of other people, or simply living is extra terrifying when you have them living with you.  They act like those unwanted roommates that never let you be.  It is overwhelmingly exhausting to deal with them every single day.  Sometimes you just “literally can’t even”.  (A phrase which too many white girls overuse without understanding the meaning.)  You live with the constant voices in your head telling you the girl you have been friends with for a while now hates you, (she doesn’t – she hates the demons trying to consume you).  They tell you that your boyfriend you are in love with, hates you, never liked you, and never wants you around (he loves you back, he probably just doesn’t understand what is really going on and is really worried but doesn’t know how to “fix it”).  They try to convince you that your circle of friends never really wanted you in their group, that your just a tag along, (don’t worry, they love you and your presence, and think you’re great!)  They even try and convince you that you’re just a burden to your family, and others, (you are not a burden!)

Depression and anxiety have a way of being very convincing and it is hard to not believe them.  It’s hard to convince yourself against their words, because you feel like you are in denial and just lying to yourself.  But with these demons, you have to keep fighting them off.  Sometimes it can be easy to shake them.  But it is usually hard, until you have a full toolbox of tools for fighting them.

The first step is to breath.

The second step is tell yourself that you are okay.  Everything is going to be okay.  Keep breathing!

The third is to communicate.  You have to make sure you don’t let the demons convince you to lock the people that care the most about you out.  (The people that anxiety and depression tell you to run away from – the people that piss you off the most because they miss you and just want to make sure you are okay.)  Don’t slam the door in their face, granted the good ones will try to understand that you are in a hard battle.

The next step?   Grab your sword, a flash light and extra batteries, a few snacks for the road, and a hell of a lot of water.  It’s going to be a long ass winding road – full of booby traps; twists and turns; good guys and bad guys; thunderstorms, hurricanes and twisters; and oh yeah it is going to be darker than night, darker than dark.

If you are a Supernatural (the TV show) fan, then it is a lot like that.  It is a constant battle that just seems to get harder and harder, more complicated, more twisted, and you just seem to keep losing everyone you love because of the monsters and demons that never give you a break.  You have to find yourself the person who is your Sam (or your Dean – depending on your personality).  Sometimes you need a Bobby, to give you that paternal advice, with a lot of tough love.

Sam and Dean face a lot of challenging battles with demons and monsters from myths and lore; and it is even more challenging for them, because the monsters, and especially the demons, like to challenge the brotherly love that they share.  The demons try to get into their heads to make Sam/Dean go against the other, their father, and their loved ones as well as the human race.  For example, when the series starts out they are trying to track down and fight off the yellow eyed demon that killed their mother.  This particular demon is a highly ranked demon, who tries to turn the family against each other, takes away anyone and everyone the brothers have ever loved.  He used other demons, disguises himself as loved ones, and throws many curve balls at the boys.  The boys fought day after day to make the yellow eyed demon nightmare end!  When it was over they had a big sigh of relief, then their world came even more crumbling down.  They were up against the entire apocalypse of human existence, and it was up to them as “hunters” to stop it.  They did eventually stop the apocalypse, but still had demons, the king of hell, angels, and other random lore monsters to fight.

The similarity here is that a person who struggles with anxiety and/or depression has a constant fight.  To get up in the morning, to talk to their loved ones, to keep breathing, to keep fighting, to keep living.  It is never an easy battle, most especially when you just got out of one battle and are thrown into another one!  No matter how big or small a battle is or seems to be, it is exhausting; and sometimes we are the only ones who can get ourselves away from the front lines.  However, we always need our support system of loved ones and role models to give us a reason to keep fighting.  To learn our coping skills, to remember to keep breathing, and fight through the tears, the fears, and all of the fire balls coming at us.

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When Your Backup Plan Becomes Your Only Plan

Life has a funny way of throwing us curve balls whenever it seems fit.  One day you think your life is going to be one way, and that you know exactly what you want in life.  But then the next minute, you blink, and everything is different.  You have a whole new road map, your compass is pointing in a different direction, and you have absolutely no idea how you are going to get there.  But you realize that it is your biggest dream and you have to do what it takes to get there!

That’s what happened to me a year ago this month…I thought I had everything planned: graduate college with my Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a minor in Rehabilitation and find a job in that career; move in with my boyfriend and live happily ever after as we struggle through adulthood as partners in crime; stay in close contact with all of my college friends; and have all of my ducks in a row…. Well none of that happened. I did graduate with my bachelor’s degree in psychology and a minor in rehab, but I still have not found my dream job (I’m still figuring out what that is); that boyfriend is now my ex, and haven’t seen anyone really since; and I have no ducks just some drunk and confused squirrels going absolutely crazy.  However, I do have my best friend Sir Huxley (my cat) by my side, but I don’t talk to all of my good friends from college as much as I would like to. But hey life happens, we all go our own ways.

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“Okay mom, I’m ready! Let’s go!”

As much as a surprise it has all been for me, I couldn’t be happier.  My dream from high school is finally becoming a reality (slowly, yet surely).   I moved closer to my favorite place ever, New York City, and plan to eventually save up enough pennies to actually live there!  So far moving to “Mini New York City” (as my sister and I like to call it) in the coming couple of months.  [I can’t freaking wait by the way!]  Since moving to a whole new state, I have had to make new friends, and I’ve made some awesome ones at that!  Don’t get me wrong, Bowling For Soup still has life right by saying “High School Never Ends“, but through everything, I know who my real friends are and who are not.

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NYC (Thanks Google)

The most unexpected part of my whole uprooting, was getting into two car accidents within 5 months of moving – so, an even bigger curve ball with no car! It didn’t help with my anxiety or my depression and it threw me into a really dark place.  However, with my support system I was able to push through the dark fog I was lost in, and can finally see the sun in the horizon! I’ve started learning the bus system, and figure out other ways to get places (which will be quite helpful in NYC).  As well as, doing everything I can to get back on my on own two feet, with my own apartment, and another job. It sucks, but it is what it is, and I had to suck it up – that’s part of being an adult.

But you know what?  I’m making the best of it and 2017 is going to be a spiffytastick year! And I thank my family and friends and Sir Huxley who have all supported me through everything!  Especially my parents (you guys rock!)

So even though life throws a bunch of curve balls at us, we have to learn how to still hit the ball out of the park!  Because when you have a dream, you have to to go after it!  And adult hood sucks, and can be boring, and lame, and what have you; but if you don’t work for what you want, you are not ever going to get there.  So go pack your suitcase for the dream train – you don’t want to miss it. ;P

Smile.

Coffee Shop Restroom Problems

I am a big fan of coffee, and I also love to write. And even though I am not one for loud noises, unless it’s my music of course,  I tend to focus better in places that have a lot of hustle and bustle. It might not make sense, but it’s true. 

There is one downside to coffee though. Now before any other coffee lovers get offended, coffee is an inanimate object. It’s has no emotions. It can be hot or cold, bitter or sweet, and strong or weak. Words use to also to describe people and their characteristics. But coffee is just some ground beans, with water, milk and sometimes flavors with either steam or ice. It doesn’t have a brain or how most people like to say, a heart.  SO just because you love something does not mean it will love you equally back. My point is that I might love coffee a lot but within half an hour of drinking it, I have to pee. 

So I took my headphones out, and let the loud music, hustle and bustling or people and their chit-chatting, and So I got up and headed over to the single use public restroom of Starbucks. And as anyone would do, I knocked on the door and tried my best to hear if someone was there or not. BUt I didn’t hear anything, not that i really could have over the coffee shops sounds. So I tried the door figuring it would be locked if someone was in there.

The lady did indeed lock the door, and in a louder, more annoyed tone said she would be right out. I quickly apologized, and leaned against the wall, and crossed my arms trying not to let her tone get to me, since well I really didn’t hear her at all before.

Working at a coffee shop myself, I understand how some people don’t understand. Most people can be very patient, understanding and pretty nice. And some people, well are not and like to make sure you know how stupid you can be for not being able to hear, understand, or read their minds, or working somewhere where they don’t agree with how they are done that you have no control over. So I understand some people have some issues. 

She comes out all annoyed giving me the dirtiest look and sighing angrily at me. Almost as if to wordlessly say, “I said I would be right out, but you tried the door anyways as if you could hear anything or something.” In my head I’m like, “well okay then.” Then hurry into the bathroom. I soon came to realize that the bathroom is much more quieter than the rest of the coffee shop. SO the lady probably thought that she was loud enough, and didn’t realize that outside of the restroom it was much louder and harder to hear. 

But this all leads me to one question: why aren’t public, single use, restrooms more obvious when it is occupied? Why can’t the word: “OCCUPIED” appear like it does on a porter potty when you lock it? Or have the door fully close only when it is locked? or have the people have to flip a sign first? or something so that when it is loud and harder to hear things, people don’t get annoyed or anything. It seems like it makes sense. I’m sure I’m not the only one to have this happen to or to notice. 

Life: Sometimes you just need a backup plan.

Life can be interesting at times. It has ways of making you laugh, smile, cry, yell, and be disappointed, yet not necessarily all at the same time.

Awesome moments allow you to be surrounded by awesome friends. Sometimes just hanging with that special someone can rejuvenate ones day, while creating great memories. Achieving good grades, accomplishing challenges that one otherwise wouldn’t think they could handle.

Then, life decides to allow things to go wrong. It causes you to realize that you are tired of being positive all the time, or seeing the sun through the darkest of clouds. Yes, I was let down recently. I was really hopeful about a job that I know I would be great at. Unfortunately I was not selected. The added disappointment was seeing others who were able to get the job I had my heart set on. I was totally crushed, became angry then jealous of friends who received what you truly wanted. I was happy for them, but at the same time crying inside “why not me?”

Despite life’s disappointments, creating a sense of sadness and aggravation, wanting to make one scream or even run away, I realize that life doesn’t end at one opportunity that wasn’t meant for me. I still have high hopes of finding the right job. I know that life will not end because of someone saying “no” to me.

Although one would think it would be easier to give up, I have chosen to rise above it all and not remain sad, disappointed or jealous of friends I love. For me, I talked it out with a few people I am able to let go and honestly share my feelings, and discovered through talking, that my feelings were real. Once I woke up and accepted that it was okay to feel the way that I did, then I needed to do something to get me out of the rut I created for myself. I took time to “pamper” me. I took out one of my favorite movies and enjoyed Dove chocolate along with an Iced Caramel Coffee. I went for a run and got a healthy dose of fresh air and exercise in. Listened to my music louder than my mom would approve, but it was what allowed me to escape. Then, I took time to hang out with my friends, steal a few hugs and relax.
Life is not going to always go the way one plans. But, when disappointment happens, it is a choice to move on past the hurt. Making the choice to move past it, makes it so that there is no room for bitterness to grow, creating a burden of self-doubt. As I write, I discovered, I don’t want to stop being positive, because with a great outlook, one can overcome many of life’s obstacles that are thrown one’s way and be a happier person.

Life Can be Crazy. Don’t Let it Get to You, Just Laugh at it & Smile

I find it quite interesting that after a huge drama situation, those who are involved or know a lot about the situation react in ways that either make the matter worse or is just plain silly. Usually I would find it rather upsetting and become quite saddened. However, I have learned to let go, forgive, and move on with my life. Sure the situation might still hurt a little bit, but why hold a grudge over something that is petty and has been drawn out long enough? 

Over break I was able to let go of last semester’s dramas and craziness. I was able to come back to school refreshed with a smile on my face, a good attitude, and a better ability to see the bright side when it looks rather dark outside. I might still be somewhat hurt, but I’m not perfect; I’m still trying to become a better person and deal with the craziness of life. 

I found that even though I was being nice and still recognizing things are not the best between me and another, it’s hard to let go for most people. Myself included.

While studying in the school’s snack bar I was able to laugh when those whom I used to know, laugh with, and spend most of my time with came in and snubbed me; they noticeably looked the other way, and were louder than usual. While continuing to focus on my homework, I couldn’t help but smile at this. I couldn’t help it because, those who were snubbing me were not even really involved in the previous issue they just knew about it. 

I don’t understand why craziness always happens. There’s always a reason and usually a lesson for everyone involved, but it’s not always fully learned. However if we try to make the best of every situation and are able to laugh at the silliness of others (as well as ourselves) then it becomes easier to be happier and deal with crazy, flustering, and silly situations. 

;P

The True Friend Oath

The True Friend Oath

Yesterday, while home from college during winter break, I was able to have a typical girl day with my high school best friend. We did our typical out and about girl stuff: got Starbucks coffee, then went around the mall while my friend shopped, we tried on clothes, shared stories to catch up, and laughed and giggled, and listened to each other when we needed to let something out. It was quite the spiffy day!

For some time now there has been a bit of drama at school, which has made me take a step back and realize there are somethings that I need to change about myself. Even though I am doing all that I can, knowing quite well I can’t change over night, the others involved seem to not want anything to do with me. Maybe the communication still is being misinterpreted, or something. However, in the dramatic event, I was able to learn who my real friends are.

Seeing my high school best friend yesterday reminded me that she really is always there. She listens, she hears em out, is not afraid to tell me when I’m acting like a big baby and need to straighten myself out, is still my friend when I am being stupid, and knows that trying on numerous pairs of shoes will cheer me right up!

When I got home yesterday, I came across Cher Llyod’s song Oath featuring Becky G. Listening to the lyrics:

“Yo, my best friend, best friend til the very end
Cause best friends, best friends don’t have to pretend
You need a hand, and I’m right there right beside you
You in the dark, I’ll be the bright light to guide you
‘Member the times, times, times sneaking out the house
All of the times, times, times that you had the doubts
And don’t forget all the trouble we got into
We got something you can’t undo, do

Laughing so damn hard
Crashed your dad’s new car
All the scars we share
I promise, I swear

Wherever you go, just always remember

That you got a home for now and forever
And if you get low, just call me whenever
This is my oath to you
Wherever you go, just always remember
You’re never alone, we’re birds of a feather
And we’ll never change, no matter the weather
This is my oath to you

I know I drive you crazy, mm, sometimes

I know I call you lazy, and that’s most times
But you complete me, and that’s no lie
You are my tuxedo, and I’m your bow tie
We in the car, sing, sing, singing our song
Rocking the building, tear it down, like we king kong
And in my eyes, you can’t do, do no wrong
You got the best friends sing, sing along”

the lyrics really show how our friendship always has been. We don’t have to pretend how we feel about anything when we’re together or just talking via Facebook or over the phone. We can always be honest with how we feel about anything. If one of us is being a big B with a major Itch, we can tell the other. Even when we’re blunt about it, we know we’re only saying something because we care, and are worried and don’t appreciate the snarkiness; however, we understand where it’s coming from. We are able to keep each other accountable when we’re acting stupid, and need to put on our big girl pants. Even after we drive each other up the wall, we’re still there to pick the other back up when the world just shoves us down.

We always drive each other crazy, (more than sometimes! ) but it’s a mutual crazy drive. ;P

No matter what, she’s been there. She’s picked me back up and brushed the dust and dirt off and said I was still beautiful and can still shine even though the world seems rather dark at the time. When her life spins a little too fast for her, I was there to steady her when she was dizzy from it all.  When our parents are driving us crazy the other can always empathize, and also see that our parents drive us crazy because they care and love us no matter what!

For the longest time, I never knew what it was like to have a friend stay for longer than a year, even through all my personal insanities of life. I know there are times I can still be quite immature, I jump to conclusions, I don’t handle all situations as I should, and I can become quite angry quite easily.  I know that, and I need to work on it. But through all of it in high school, and through it now this friend has been there. ANd I love her (like a sister) for every part of it. She drives me up the wall, but she’s shown me, that a true friend really does stay through thick and thin. Through immaturity and craziness, through laughs and tears and screams. A true friend is there, no matter what. They know that when you’re upset, there’s a reason. They are not afraid to tell you whether it’s a stupid reason or not. They know when you need some space, when you need a hug, a friendly slap in the face, need advice, another hug, or just an ear to listen. No matter what, a true friend is just there; no matter the events.

If it was not for my true friends I met at college, and my best friend, I wouldn’t see the sun shining when my world seems like the darkness is taking over. I thank you all!